Thursday, July 21, 2005

Let Go, Jump In...

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I never intended for this to be a personal blog. I just wanted a resource to develop some concepts and enjoy my writing... to focus upon the ideas that rattle around between my ears, regardless of grammar and craft, and share them with different types of people. One of the things I've thoroughly enjoyed has been, ironically, conversing back and forth with staunch conservatives. It's ironic because my original idea was to call this blog, "I hate the right," as a result of the residue of hurt left from November 04. But, I realise now I have so much to learn, and most of it comes from people who hold different opinions and ideas to my own.

Generally speaking, this is a pretty sizemic episode in my life, and it's hard re-adjusting to this weird little island.

The news about the attempted bombings today left me feeling numb. Hopefully, some good will come from the unexploded bombs that were left behind, and as a result, the people responsible will be tracked down, arrested, and used by police to obstruct future terrorist activities.

After watching the news, and taking a break from my work, I took a long walk through my local golf course and watched people calmly enjoying the beautiful weather as if nothing unusual had transpired. It was actually quite amusing perusing seventy year olds scooping their golf balls along each fairway, twenty yards a time, feverishly in competition with each other. It reminded me of a comedy sketch as they plodded along through the thick grass, tapped the ball a little further, and then plodded along all over again. I wondered how on earth they would manage to total their scores.

Travelling on the train tonight was strange, even if it was a main line train. I remember being 11 years old and taking the underground to school everyday during the height of the IRA. The same kind of messages about making sure to not leave behind anything behind that could be construed as a suspect package are now being played repeatedly. I wonder if they are the old ones I used to hear in 1990.

Central London remains a sight to behold. All of the winding roads, and ancient buildings are in stark contrast to the large gridded roadways of LA. In small stretches you are surrounded by theaters, beautiful architecture, the throng of consumerism, jam packed bars and clubs, and some really cool bookstores :). Late at night inebriated groups of young men and women vomit in dark corners, and take drugs on dance floors.

Quote from a favorite movie of mine:

"Do you remember that point in your life when you realise the house you grew up in isn't your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have someplace to put your s**t, that idea of home is gone."

I've been feeling a lot like that about being back in England. I haven't done much living since my return. I've been grappling with my inner turmoil, the pressures I've put on myself, and the aloness inherent in my displacement.

The truth is that I don't know where I'm heading. I don't really know if there's much time left to this journey. I don't know where I'll end up, or how I'll ever learn to live without the special someone I lost. I don't know if it will all make anymore sense in a month, or two months time from now. I don't know where I'll be then. I don't know where I'm about to land.

All I know is it's time to let go, and jump in...

7 comments:

Christopher Trottier said...

Those terrorists are just misunderstood. I'm sure if you tried to rationalize with them... ;-)

Sudiegirl said...

Man...it's deja vu all over again...I live in the DC metro area and the security in the trains was much higher today. I know I'm sounding quite simplistic and in the majority, but why don't terrorists get that what they're doing isn't working? It negates their "cause" and casts a shadow over others that are like them in some areas of life but not others.

Hang in there...
Sudiegirl

Eban Crawford said...

Think about it this way bro, it is possible to lead a completely predictable life. A life in which everything is mapped out and in it's place, where you never have to get out of your comfort zone or ask yourself any hard questions. Thing is, you are still going to pass away, and have to account to either yourself or your maker, depending on your beliefs.

Nothing great ever happens when you live your life like that. Great things happen when you take chances, when you live on the edge, when you get an idea and you go with it, blissfully ignorant of what is around the next bend.

Things may be confusing a bit right now, but you are doing fine. Your writting will take off, you are taking the chances that you need to. Nothing great ever happens just because you want it to. Great things happen when you put yourself in a position where things "have" to happen, or else.

Embrace the unkown. One day you will look back at giving up the comfort you had in Cali as the thing that led you to your life's goal.

As for the terrorists, we all go on about not understanding them or where they are coming from. After a lot of thought I now think that is a good thing. We are incapable of understanding what it takes to take innocent lives for an extremist belief. Our not understanding them is part of what makes us human, is what gives us our compassion for others, and is what makes us such easy marks for their horrible deads.

Man, I have been in an introspective mood over the last 24 hours, I almost need to go and do a blog post about beer, sports, and sex, haha.

Graham said...

Hey Eban,

I was excessively morose and emotional in that post me thinks. Yes, the unknown is not something to be afraid of. Life is about taking risks, and stepping out from comfort and security zones... everything good in my life has only come when I've done this. I hope that's what I will be doing in the coming weeks.

I have to say that the impulse to do a blog just about beer, sport, and sex is one I also feel :). Thanks for your reply... was very cool.

NYgirl said...

Glad you didn't opt for the "I hate the right". Those on the left & right have so much more in common that we realize, and as civilized people we can debate our differences & agree to disagree.

Attacks like this put you in a strange mood. I remember feeling like I was floating on 9/11 & for about a week after. Sometimes, I still can't believe it happend & am surprised when walk by Ground Zero & don't see the towers.

Eban Crawford said...

nygirl, Your words are so true. There is no real rift of left or right, it is common sense or not. I myself am extremly libertarian and the ultra conservative and ultra liberal scare me in equal amounts. The truth always lies in the mid area. The area where real freedom intersects with law. We need to feel safe but the cost can never be freedom, we must stay vigilant. The alternative is not exceptable. We must always choose freedom.

Graham said...

I think the problem is the level of public political discourse. Interactions between political parties and pundits and network news and talk radio have done so much to entrench us alongside likeminded people. It's hard to take an open minded objective standpoint to opinions opposed to your own in that context. It's not easy for to consider the merits of the death penalty, or pro-life reasoning from the mouth of Sean Hannity for instance.

In regards to the terrorist attacks what I find so sad is the way that with this second onset of chaos around the city... and I swear I've never seen so many policeman in my life, anywhere.. (what have they all been doing this time???)... all of a sudden this has really fermented into a part of people's lives. That does make you angry, when you see people nervously walking to the train station, and looking along the platforms perusing their fellow passengers. I've heard about muslim friends who can't carry bags to work anymore, because of the insinuation of anybody who looks remotely asian carrying a backpack.

One of the things a lot of people in the U.S. don't realise is the extent to which people within and outside of London commute into the city and don't drive.

What was so hopeful about two weeks ago was the sense that our way of live was impenetrable. Now, it feels like something has really changed.